New London Meeting For
 Adult Children

of

Alcoholic

and

Dysfunctional Families

     For people who grew up in families where alcoholism, drug addiction, or other forms of dysfunction were present, all aspects of daily life are impacted by behavioral characteristics which continue to have a severe negative impact on one's quality of life. Left unidentified and untreated, these characteristics and the compulsions and poor choice-making they engender remain dominant and are passed on to the next generation as a continuation of the family dysfunction.

 

     Awareness of these characteristics in oneself and one's family of origin is the first positive step to a recovery of self and the resulting ability to chart one's own course in life. To facilitate this process, meetings of Adult Children are being held in New London, where information and support are available in an open and welcoming forum.

 

     Meetings are currently held at All Souls Universal Unitarian Church, 19 Jay Street, Sundays at 2 p.m. Additional meeting times may be added to accommodate people's schedules.

 

 

13 Characteristics of Adult Children

 

 

     Originally, these characteristics were attributed only to adult children of alcoholics by the psychologist and author Dr. Janet Woititz. However, subsequent work has shown that people who grew up with any type of unresolved and dysfunctional compulsive disorder or other dysfunction in the family tend to display these traits. Thus, even if there is no active addiction, these traits may be handed down along the family line. Compulsive behaviors such as gambling, drug abuse, or overeating, or if one experienced chronic illness, grew up with profound religious attitudes, were adopted or lived in foster care, then these characteristics may also be present.

 

     It should be noted at the outset that, while these characteristics may have a severe negative effect on a person's life, the recognition of the presence of these characteristics is itself the first step towards resolving the underlying wounds and the beginning of the healing process. With time new and necessary life skills may be learned , new habits internalized, and a healthier and more fulfilling life experienced.

 

1. Adult Children guess at what normal behavior is

2. Adult Children have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end

3. Adult Children lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth

4. Adult Children judge themselves without mercy

5. Adult Children have difficulty having fun

6. Adult Children take themselves very seriously

7. Adult Children have difficulty with intimate relationships

8. Adult Children overreact to changes over which they have no control

9. Adult Children constantly seek approval and affirmation

10. Adult Children usually feel they are different from other people

11. Adult Children are super responsible or super irresponsible

12. Adult children are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved

13. Adult Children are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behavior or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess

 

     The 13 Characteristics are drawn from Adult Children of Alcoholics by Dr. Janet Woititz.

 

     In the months since the New London Adult children's meeting was formed, a meeting format has evolved from the expressed needs of participants and an awareness of proven traditions within the Adult Children's community. Adult Children's meetings are linked to the 12 Step programs of AA, but with a respect for the unique requirements and of individual groups. The importance of being effective in practice rather than simply doctrinaire cannot be overemphasized, since virtually every compulsive behavioral disorder has a dysfunctional family history at it's roots.

 

     The format which has evolved at the New London Adult Children's meetings is as follows:

 

1. Meetings begin with a session of Open Sharing With No Cross Talk. This allows people a chance to express and vent issues which are weighing on them without comment or judgement from other people. Depending on the group size, time limits may need to be applied. The practice of No Crosstalk actually started with ACOA meetings; people who come from dysfunctional families typically grew up with "no-talk" rules, had their feelings and ideas demeaned, and their emotions invalidated. No Crosstalk allows people to express their truth without fear of rebuke or criticism. It is a crucial part of validating one's experience and feelings in a supportive environment.

 

2. At the New London meetings, this is followed by a session which allows participants to offer topics and questions for which discussion and feedback are desired. We have found that some people want to get both feedback and guidance from other participants, as a way of tapping into the experiences and knowledge of other people with similar histories. Often it is possible to refer people to specific literature which contains valuable guidance that might otherwise remain unknown to the person in need of answers. This is a divergence from the standard ACOA meeting, and one which arose specifically from the request of meeting attendees. It is naturally not a requirement that people participate on either side of this interaction. Also, it is expected that all discussions and responses will be respectful of all people at the meeting, and that the primary response will be based on personal experience with similar situations, and by referring to literature that is relevant and may be informative to the topic.

 

3. A Topic for Group Discussion is next. This is chosen by the group at the previous week's meeting, giving participants time to consider and study the various aspects of the topic in question. Again, there is no requirement of anticipation, though this is encouraged. Meeting attendees are also encouraged to look through the literature for input which will shine some light on the group topic.

 

4. A Group Reading from pertinent Literature. Often the meetings will develop a theme which leads to specific passages from the Adult Children literature. This can be helpful in clarifying issues and opening up avenues to further information.

 

5. Group choice of a Topic for Next Week's meeting. Out of any meeting, a theme may emerge which is of particular interest and value to the attendees. From this a consensus is draw for a topic to be studied and discussed at the following week's meeting. Participants are encouraged but not required to consider and study the topic for the next meeting; this often opens avenues to new insights and information regarding aspects of living with the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family.

 

A General Discussion
and
Literature Resources 

 

     The syndrome and issues of Adult Childhood are at the root and core of virtually all compulsive and self-defeating behavior. As adult children we simply did not have our developmental needs met at appropriate times during our childhood and adolescent years. This may be further exasperated by traumatic experiences , either single incidents or chronic patterns (the latter is perhaps most common where trauma occurred). It is thus necessary to explore and discover the truths of our early lives, so that the child which never matured and suffers with deep psychological wounds may be nurtured and healed. This has been described as a process of grieving, leading to the healing of our wounded inner child.

 

     It is recommended that anyone who exhibits and experiences the traits of Adult Childhood should read literature and if possible watch the programs related to the Adult Children syndrome. There are many very good sources for this information; the following offers a starting point,which with the internet will lead to many more, and reader reviewed, sources.

     Availible from www.adultchildren.org:

 

• The Big Red Book (this is actually the Fellowship book of ACOA; it is a primary source for ACOA Recovery)
• The Twelve Step Workbook
• There is also much printable information at this site, including The Laundry List, The Problem, and The Solution

     Available from www.drjan.com:

• Adult Children of Alcoholics (an indispensable book which includes the 13 Characteristics)
• The Self-Sabotage Syndrome
• Home Away From Home: the Art Of Self-Sabotage
• Life-Skills For Adult Children
• The Complete ACOA Handbook

     Available at www.johnbradshaw.com; from the John Bradshaw collection;

• Healing The Shame That Binds You
• Homecoming
• Bradshaw On: The Family
• Family Secrets
• (video collections of the above are also available)a two hour video titled Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

 

August 16, 2014

Recovery and Free Will

 

     Whenever the subject of Recovery comes up, there is always much discussion of the symptoms and causes, the effect and behaviors, of compulsive behavior. Lacking is a clear definition of "recovery," of what it is that is being recovered. The following is a suggestion based on observation and study of the human experience, looking at the full spectrum of root causes of dysfunction, the original unspoiled nature of human life, and of the fundamental traits needed to live a fulfilled and satisfying human life.

     Free Will is the most distinctive of all human traits. Other animals operate virtually exclusively on instinct, or impulse. Humans alone are capable of reasoned decisionmaking, of learning and acting based on that knowledge. We are all born with this defining trait; we alone will make sacrifices which go against our base instincts, and we alone make choices with the full understanding of the consequences, good or bad.

     Dysfunctional families cause deep wounds to the core essence of a human being; children with no other frame of reference have their most human traits injured by chaos, lack of nurturing, unmet needs, and trauma. The most damaging effect of all is the Disabled Will, the loss or compromising of that trait which is most essential to our human nature.

     A disabled Will wrought of childhood trauma carries with it much psychological and emotional pain. The use of substances and behaviors in a compulsive way is an attempt to dull and avoid this pain and its root causes. The failure of most recovery and rehab programs and individual attempts at recovery stems from the lack of acknowledgement that the thing to be recovered through Recovery is one's free will. Instead, the emphasis is placed on controlling the compulsive use of mood altering substances and behaviors, and on the review and recounting of past injuries which are the cause of one's disabled Will.

     The failing of most recovery attempts is simply that people are encouraged to use strategies to control compulsive behaviors which rely heavily on the use of willpower. Often people adapt new compulsions to replace old ones: religion, belief in higher powers, art, activism in recovery programs, and so on. But this is akin to asking a person with a broken leg to cope with the pain and disability of a broken leg with, first, massive painkillers, and next, strategies for coping and living with a broken leg. It is bound to fail (96.5% in 12 Step Programs, 98% in rehabilitation centers). It is commonly known that a person must want recovery to achieve recovery: but defining recovery is the missing and critical first step.